I was thinking about things you shouldn't do in bed. When I mean in bed, I mean adulting. I once dated a polo player back in 2004, and he needed a lesson about how to woo a woman. His line to pickup women was "Salty Vixen, are you up for it?" and when they have sex, they only knew one position- missionary and their rhythm is like riding on a horse, you know, up and down (and when polo players are playing polo.. they look VERY juicy in their white trousers, bobbing up and down). You have to say "woah.. slow down. that's it. almost there. yes! the g-spot!"
And they want the hookup- thrust, pump, dump and go back to playing polo. Not everyone is like this, but from my experience, back in the summer of 2004- those few were...
Needless to say, I couldn’t wait to take that stallion for a ride. The energizer bunny method (he kept going and going and going quickly until he pumped and was done) didn't work for me. I kept quiet. There are some things—like selling yourself short and telling someone how to get off—that you should never say or do during sex ...
- Scream someone else’s name.
- Admit you have an STD—after you’ve already had sex.
- Ask to borrow money.
- Watch Youtube/Netflix, unless it’s porn.
- Mention your mother, father, or any other relative, for that matter.
- Baby talk (example: “Put your wee wee in my no-no place.”)
- Snort like a pig.
- Roll your eyes because you’re bored, not ecstatic.
- Puke, fart, or you know.
- Cry.
- Point and laugh, no matter where you’re pointing.
- Ask if your dog/cat/pet can hop on the bed.
- Complain about a body part, whether it’s yours or his.
- Make your grocery list.
- Itch like a bitch.
- Check your iphone, write a text, or Twitter.
- Mention your time in prison.
- Try to tell a joke. Knock-knock?
- Make fun of your partner.
- Compare the sex to the way your ex did it.
- Set a stopwatch.
- Do an impression of their O face.
