Because you set the agenda and control the action by yourself, on your own terms, masturbation may be the best way to learn what turns you on. Most people raised as girls are set up to not enjoy sex in one way or another. They aren't told very much about their bodies in detail (at least not about their genitals), they may be told that sex is something to be afraid of, something to resist. All of us are raised with at least some negative messages about our bodies and some shame about sex.
While this title of this guide is masturbation for women, the truth is that not all women's bodies are the same. Most women have a vulva and a clitoris, but not all women do. So while the title of this guide is masturbation for women, what follows might be better described as a guide to clitorial and vulval masturbation. If this isn't what you're looking for, we also have a masturbation guide for penises. There's also a guide to masturbation for everyone.
Remember, there’s no wrong way to masturbate; everyone is different! Below you'll find some tips, take what works, and leave the rest. Figuring out the difference is part of figuring out what great sex is for you.
Here's How:
- Get yourself in the mood for masturbation.
Relax as much as you can. Whatever that means for you. Take a warm bath or have a glass of wine. Ensure your privacy: turn off the phone, lock the door for privacy from roommates, kids, whoever. Find a comfy position. Most women start out lying on their backs, legs bent and spread apart, with feet on the ground. Remove most or all of your clothing (as much as your comfortable with).
- Explore all parts of your body.
Run your hands along your body, lingering along areas that are more responsive to touch than others. If you're able to do it, and you've never done it before, you might want to try to look at your genitals in a mirror. Because so many women are raised with negative messages about their bodies, and particularly their genitals, being able to see while you touch can be powerful and surprising. Find and touch your inner and outer labia, your clitoris, your vagina and your perineum.
- Touch yourself.
Using one or two fingers, rhythmically stroke the different parts of your vulva, paying particular attention to your clitoris and labia. Experiment with different types of pressure, speed and motion. Try placing a finger on either side of the clitoris and stroking up and down, or placing two fingers on the clitoral hood and rubbing in a circular motion.
- Experiment.
Try different types of touch: stroke, tickle, knead, pinch, or lightly pull your genitals. Try using one or several fingers, the palm of your hand, even your knuckles.
- Build up excitement.
Learn to hold onto sexual excitement by building up and then reducing or temporarily stopping the stimulation. Pay attention to how your body is responding. It will tell you the particular stroke that feels best and when to pick up or slow down the tempo.
- Don't forget to breathe, differently.
Many of us hold our breath as we get excited. Be mindful of your breath and playing with breathing during arousal. Try to breathe deeply rather than hold your breath. This can help release the sexual energy, rather than fight it.
- Get moving, even a little.
In addition to often holding our breath, many people tense up and don't move much at all when we masturbate. This might work for you just fine, but if you haven't explored movement, it's worth a try. Moving while you are getting turned on, and moving during orgasm can change the way you experience pleasure in your body. For some women this means rocking their pelvis. For others it means moving their legs or torso side to side. Find what movement works for you and then intentionally start doing it while you masturbate.
- Getting over the top.
If your hand gets tired, give yourself a rest, switch hands, or try a vibrator. If you're on the brink of orgasm, but can't quite get over the hump, try to become more conscious of your breathing, give yourself extra stimulation: caress your nipples, or try also thrusting your other fingers or a dildo in and out of your vagina. - Ride the Wave.
As you begin to orgasm, continue the stimulation through the orgasm. Lighten up on the stimulation during the first extremely sensitive moments but keep it going to enjoy those little pleasurable aftershocks. Your first orgasm may feel like a blip or a blast, but the more you practice, the more variety you will experience.
- Fantasizing and masturbation.
Sexual fantasy can be a double edged sword when it comes to masturbation. If you have trouble getting yourself in the mood or getting over the top, a hot fantasy may be just the ticket. But when we fantasize some of our attention is taken away from what's happening in our bodies in the moment. Sometimes what is getting in the way of us enjoying masturbation is that distance from our bodies. It's good to try everything, but be mindful of whether or not your fantasies are acting as an enhancer or a distraction.
Tips:
- Vibrators take some of the manual labor out of masturbation by providing direct, intense physical stimulation to the clitoris.
- Water helps many women learn to masturbate. In a bath or shower, a direct the stream of water on your vulva and clitoris can be revelatory. Vary the pressure, the pulsation, and the temperature. Alternate methods: slide your butt over the drain so your legs are up in the air and your genitals are up under the tub faucet (rather awkward but do-able for some), or use Jacuzzi jets.
- Rub against something--a pillow, the corner of some furniture, a washing machine in operation.
- Dildos can be a pleasurable accompaniment to clitoral masturbation, as they offer the fullness of penetration and can also stimulate the g-spot.
