Welcome to another episode of the S-Spot with Salty Vixen (sex & relationship advice) . Where I talk about Love, Sex & Relationships. Today's podcast is all about Open Marriages and the rules for a Successful Open Marriage and Relationship.
When I scroll through Tinder, Bumble, OK!Cupid, I see a lot of profiles stating “open marriage”. I have notice open marriages are on the rise, is it because of social media? Or the fact we, as adults have very busy lives and no time for each other? Or falling out of love? Then the debate goes to, why stay in the marriage if it is unhappy even if you have kids? Is it because of money? Whatever the reason is, it is safe to say, open marriages are more common than we think.
Sometimes the Open Marriage debate is due to a sexless marriage erodes feelings of love, affection, connection, intimacy, and sometimes loyalty as well. Physical intimacy – including touching and sex – helps people feel like they are part of a couple or family – and the lack of it makes the person in the relationship feel deprived and isolated;.
There are benefits of an open marriage and also downsides. Let’s talk about the elephant in the room. When you are in a monogamous relationship and you partner suddenly wants an open relationship… and you actually don’t, it means the end of the relationship, if you continue, it means that you will never feel safe… seeing your partner (in your mind) having intensive and deep emotional passionate sex with someone else, will *never* make you feel better if that was never your choice. This idea goes with, why stay in a marriage when you are in an unhappy one?
Another elephant in the room is, when a partner is unhappy and asks for an open marriage, and the other one doesn’t want it. It is because the partner is seeking for love somewhere else and if things work out with the new partner, then divorce will happen and that partner will marry the new partner. Honestly, this is the main reason for open marriages today. Dating sucks as we get older!
Many people believe that open marriage is a) absurd in the extreme (why bother being married then?) or b) impossibly complicated emotionally, logistically, and sexually. Truthfully, there are as many types of open marriages as there are closed, so these assumptions are baseless, though understandable.
What is true, however, is that most people practicing open marriage are usually both romantic and realistic about the probability of remaining monogamous over a lifetime with one partner. If recent studies are any indication, most people who pledge monogamy aren’t actually faithful anyway, so you could say people in open marriage are simply being more honest about their desire to mess around than the average person.
Of the many surprising benefits of open marriage, perhaps the most surprising is that it can, if handled gently and lovingly, bring you closer to your spouse. If you’re secretly carrying on an affair, or emailing an ex-lover, or otherwise harboring deeply held desires that you can’t share with your partner, you are experiencing the alienation this lack of honesty can create. For example, I was in an a sexting affair. My marriage was falling apart, my now ex husband was abusive, one of the things he did was take sex away. Lack of sex can bring on depression as ALL marriages need sex. When one isn’t getting sex, that is when the partner is looking elsewhere. Even if it is through porn or dating apps. Sometimes it is because the couple is simply too busy to realize their marriage is broken and say nothing that is another reason why cheating can happen and discussion about open marriage remains closed.
HOWEVER, those who talk about open marriage, and it is mutual agreement (the partners agree that one or both spouses are permitted to have other sexual or romantic relationships outside the marriage.).Then that isn’t cheating. The exact terms vary from couple to couple. One couple might specify sex only, with no emotional attachment. Another might permit a longstanding affair but no casual partners.
Yes, these marriages really do exist. In fact, the practice of allowing your husband or wife to have a lover is a very old one.
Open marriages became popular in the 1970s. The book “Open Marriage” published in 1972 became a best seller, suggesting that extramarital affairs “may be rewarding and beneficial” for some couples. A counselor based in Toronto, Ontario, stated that “every couple we know of who went with the open marriage route busted up without exception.”
Now the authors of the book, Nena and George O’Neill, have published another book referred to as a “new call for sexual fidelity.” A few years later, the authors of the book admit that problems do arise in open marriages when boundaries aren’t respected. They said in follow-up interviews with couples quoted in “Open Marriage” reveal that few who openly practiced adultery remained together. “I think the longest was two years,” said George O’Neill. And his wife stated that “the assurance of sexual fidelity is still an important attribute of most marriages.” (Watching the World, Awake! magazine, May 1, 1978, page 15).
Another benefit of an open marriage is, if you and your partner are free to explore other relationships, within whatever bounds you establish, you also have the opportunity to choose your partner, and then choose them again, based on true desire rather than out of obligation or guilt or duty. You have access to their whole, carefree self, not just the part you lay claim to in your marital and domestic arrangements. In other words, by opening up your marriage, you might find yourself deciding to just be with your spouse. You might, for a time, practice a kind of monogamy that is chosen rather than de facto.
Finally, the obvious benefit of open marriage, expanding your sexual horizons, has some surprising benefits of its own. While the novelty of someone new has its advantages, there is often no substitute for the familiarity long-term sexual relationships offer. When you can have both, life is full indeed. After enjoying time with other men or women, you might find yourself developing a deeper appreciation for your partner, once he or she is out there learning new things and bringing them back to you. And while comfort and familiarity can breed dullness, it can seem less stultifying when it’s not your only option. Nothing dampens sexual desire and love like feeling completely and utterly trapped.
Rules for a Successful Open Marriage
The best open marriages are ones with rules in place. The rules are set by the couple. They vary because each couple is unique and values different things. However, there are some common rules that many people in open marriages swear by.
Don’t opt in for the wrong reasons
Opening up your marriage can be a way to level up your marriage from good to great. However, don’t look to this option as the way to save a struggling relationship. If communication is poor, trust and jealousy are an issue, or there’s a history of infidelity, an open marriage is not the answer. It could be, later on down the line, but you’ll need to work on foundational problems first.
Prioritize your marriage
Although you have relationships with other people, don’t forget to reserve quality time with your spouse.You might want to consider a hierarchical polyamory where your spouse is number one.
Don’t let jealousy build
It’s only normal to experience some jealousy in an open marriage. As long as it’s dealt with properly, it can remain healthy. Recognize when you feel jealous, acknowledge it, and talk to your partner about it. Jealous feelings might mean you must create new boundaries with your partner.
Discuss safe sex
Make sure you come up with a plan for practicing safe sex. Exactly how will you protect yourself? Will you require condoms? Will you regularly screen for STIs?
Maintain open communication
Keeping constant, honest communication with your spouse is key to making an open arrangement work. You’re bound to have a variety of complex emotions. As they arise, talk about them with your partner. Decide what level of detail you both feel comfortable sharing when talking about outside partners. Have an open dialogue about what should be shared and what should be spared.
Agree on how you will explain your situation to outsiders
Polyamory and open marriages are widely misunderstood. And unfortunately, it’s mostly a negative view. You don’t want people to have the wrong idea, so how much should you share with friends and family? If you have children, you’ll need to be careful about how you approach the topic with them. Consider joining an online community for open marriages.
Set sexual boundaries
Many people start open relationships to explore their sexuality. While this is the main draw for most, everyone has limits. Establish the line to ensure you remain comfortable with what your spouse is doing. Is penetration permitted? What about oral sex? Be specific and don’t assume anything.
Set emotional boundaries
It’s sometimes hard to separate sex and intimacy. Having emotional boundaries is just as important as the sexual ones and can spare you the hurt caused when overstepping. Determine your level of comfort with things like sleeping with the same person and going on dates. Can you spend time with them socially? Make sure you set rules for who you can and cannot be with. Can they be someone you both know?
Have regular check-ins
Part of having honest conversations with your spouse is having check-ins to take the pulse on the relationship. Make sure both people are still comfortable with the current arrangement. Open marriages can have a lot of change simply because more people are involved. With that, someone might decide they no longer want an open marriage. Be open to ending it at any point if that’s not the best thing for both of you.
Don’t forget consent
Open marriages are a type of consensual non-monogamy or CNM. Consent is what sets open marriages apart from cheating. If you’re unsure whether your partner is comfortable with something err on the side of caution.
Show respect all around
With your spouse as your primary partner, they are the one you come home to even after being intimate with other people. So while your relationship with your spouse is different, it doesn’t mean you should treat other partners as “less than”.
In a nutshell, if you think you want an open marriage, talk to your partner about it. Maybe they are unhappy as well. Or perhaps, you both can work things out.
