For the longest time I thought that most people treated themselves the way that I used to, and unfortunately sometimes still do treat myself. I was confused between “being hard on myself” in order to better the concept of “me” and bullying myself.
When I think of the word “bully” I think of a playground, middle school, wedgies, practical jokes, and lunch money thieves. While I don’t give myself wedgies or steal my own things, I’ve been known to judge myself and consequentially stunt my own growth through words, actions, and lack of certain actions. In other words, I’m a self bully.
It is true, I was bullied 1st until 12th grade by various people. One of the middle school bullies had affected me the most, even nearly 30 years later, he is my inner voice. I remember the day he called me an ugly dog during lunch-in front of the ENTIRE 8th grade class- all because I had a molding job in the 8th grade. He put it into my head I am ugly. He also made a poster that said “Die Salty Vixen Die. Everyone hates you”. He also pulled the char up from me, I twisted my ankle. Office wouldn’t do jack shit because it was his word against mine”
From the point on, I had to look into the mirror and tell myself that I am beautiful. People in school years don’t realize the long effects that their bullying ways had on people in the future.
That guy, I know doesn’t think about me at all. Why does he cross my mind ? Because of fear. He was a bully - he terrified me even after college years. We were friends on Facebook for a short period of time, until I commented on his feed about him going to Spain. I said “I have been there, if you need any ideas of places to go, let me know :’) “ That got him to block me.
He basically added me to be ‘fake nice’ at least that is the way I see it.
At my 20th reunion back in 2018, I had prepared myself because I knew he was going to be there. I made sure I looked perfect- to show him I am amazing, I have confidence. He didn’t go. His friends , were awesome and we all hung out at the table together laughed and drank at the reunion- if the bully was there, I know I wouldn’t be invited to sit with his friends. I had often wondered what did I do to make him treat me like shit?
Fast forward to present day. I was telling my friends about “Salty Vixen Stories & More”; the fact I have a Audio Erotica weekly podcast titled ‘Bedtime Stories with Salty Vixen”, all of a sudden my inner bullying voice was kicking in overdrive as my site and podcast are growing, I know that the ‘bully’ will be visiting my site ; I know former classmates who were mean to me will mock my site. And all I can hear in my mind is the bully’s voice. You know what I told that self-bully voice? This is what I said:
“Sure, I write erotica. I have my erotic audio podcast. I am divorced; dating has been hard and my ex is an abusive asshole. I had to do something and writing became my outlet; my brand. I don’t give a fuck what former classmates think. I don’t give a fuck what that bully thinks- I am no longer terrified of that bully”
I will say this- one of his friends told me “ He is mean in general. If you are friends with him, he makes fun of you; if you are not friends with him, he makes fun of you worse. That is how he is.” - So basically he ‘scared’ a lot of people. As it was hard to speak up to him.
I have to remind myself this: Erotica isn’t for everyone. But it is my. brand. I had nothing after my divorce-and taking care of my kids. I had to do what I could to survive.
I’ve come along way but I’m still trying to shake that self-bully for good. It has been a part of me for so long, that she’s built a barrier around my heart – making it difficult for me to find some love for myself.
When my inner child finds her way to the surface and begins to comfort me, I immediately apologize profusely to him, but his response is almost always the same, “You’re not mean to me. You’re mean to yourself. Don’t apologize to me. Apologize to yourself.”
Because of “the way I’m wired” as I put it sometimes, unfortunately I often need an extra push to help me help myself. Knowing that someone else is negatively affected by my actions helps me see a different reality outside of my own personal bubble. My goal is to one day be able to change solely for the good of the girl inside… because she deserves it.
Do you see how your self-bulling affects those around you? Or do you tend to self-bully when no one is around? Please feel welcomed to share any thoughts!
