Dear Salty Vixen,
Several months ago, I met a girl from Tinder. We hit it off and we were both attracted to each other. We were alike in that we’re both bi, femme, artistic, and “closeted” so we understood each other’s need for privacy. Since we never hung out together during the day doing regular daytime activities, I wouldn’t call what we had a “friends with benefits” type of relationship, but we’d call or text each other whenever one of us was in need of soft and sensual female companionship. We saw each other for several months and she was really sweet. Although she had a lot of drama going on in her life, she’d always text message me saying how she wanted to see me, or just to say “how are you” and ask how things were going. We were like secret friends: we’d meet at night, talk, cuddle, kiss… I felt like a 20 year old (I am currently 31!) keeping secrets from the rest of the world by meeting her at night to indulge in our fantasies.
It’s been a month since I last heard from her, and for the life of me, I can’t figure out what I might have done or said to make her have a change of heart. We never said if we were seeing other girls, although I assume she must have been in hindsight. Even still, I don’t understand how she could go from frequent messaging to no contact at all. I feel like a fool and am a little hurt.
If I hadn’t met her on Tinder, I never would’ve guessed she was bi because she looks very straight. Is it possible to look TOO straight or too innocent and wholesome? I think I look really straight, and I know everyone thinks I’m younger than I really am. I don’t have any problems attracting men, but when it comes to girls, I feel like I’m not pretty enough and that I’m not attractive enough for them. I don’t want this to bother me, but as much as I hate to admit it, it does. Why do you think she disappeared? xoxoxo Missing My Secret Friend
Dear Missing,
I am deeply grateful to know that there are still innocent, young and wholesome woman on Tinder. Even better, there are two wholesome women on Tinder who found each other and got to spend months delighting one another with sweet messages and warm curled bodies. Unfortunately, lack of direct communication and a bit of insecurity probably led this delightful sensuous friendship on a path to a bad outcome.
COMMUNICATION IN LOVE AFFAIRS IS ESSENTIAL
I personally do not like the terms “fuck buddies” or “friends with benefits”. Although they do describe a relationship accurately, I would rather find a lover and have a love affair… but that is just me! You were having a “sensual” affair and enjoying the secret that only you knew: you, the straightest-seeming woman in the world, had found a lover! But for some reason, you two were not communicating well.
WOMEN WITH DRAMA ATTRACT DRAMA
Lovely woman, the minute you wrote that your friend had “a lot of drama” going on, I knew what one of the problems may be. Girls with stress, anxiety, insecurity, chaos and craziness in their lives are not the girls to get involved with sexually and emotionally. If she already has drama in her life, she will attract more drama, and that drama, unfortunately, will eventually involve you.
DO NOT CREATE UNNECESSARY DRAMA
I do not know why you assume in hindsight she had other female lovers. Be careful not to create drama that is not there. Just because she disappeared does not necessarily mean she was seeing another girl.
LOOKING YOUNG IS NEVER A BAD THING
Alright. I think you are the first girl to ever worry about looking too young. Take time today to enjoy how fresh and youthful you are, and make sure to be grateful for the amazing genes you have. Know that you will only become more grateful as you enter your 30s, 40s, 50s and beyond!
ALL WOMEN ARE INSECURE
Every woman worries that she will be the girl no other girl will be attracted to. We are taught from an early age to compete with one another; we are trained to size each other up and decide who is prettier, thinner, more popular, and sexier. Because of this toxic behavior, we all have a part of ourselves that is insecure, especially around other women. What helps us is remembering that other girls feel the same way, so we need to communicate actively how beautiful, sexy, fit and wonderful they are. When we make another girl feel valued and adored, we also feel more attractive and secure.
INSECURE WOMEN ACT LIKE CRAZY WOMEN
We all know that when we are feeling insecure, we do not act our best. I think your lovely girl disappeared because she was too insecure to communicate with you directly. Maybe she wanted the relationship to go deeper than you did. Maybe her “drama” got too overwhelming and she got swallowed up in it. Maybe she was getting to attached to you or worried that you were too attached to her.
The point is, it does not really matter why she disappeared. It was wrong of her to hurt you without communicating why she could no longer continue the friendship. Allow yourself to feel the hurt, but move on. There are plenty of other amazing girls out there that are ready to be direct and upfront with you and treat you like a lover should be treated.
XOXO,
